Recently my Gabbi, met her dad for the first time. I don't claim to be a saint or a perfect person either. So before you judge....don't.I don't feel like re-living every single detail, so I'm going to put it as shortly as I possibly can.
I don't think Ive ever put into words how my daughter was born. Other than I was young and scared. I didn't find out I was actually pregnant until late in my pregnancy. I didn't tell my mom until I was 8months pregnant. I didn't tell anyone. No one asked until I was around 8months pregnant. I didn't tell her father until she was nearly 1month old. I was unsure of what I wanted to do.She was so sick in the beginning. She was in the hospital 2 weeks. I remember praying over and over if she lives, I'll raise her God. PLEASE let her live! I initially was set on adoption in all honesty. If I had found out I was pregnant in the very beginning, I can truthfully say at the age of 19 with my whole life in front of me, I would have aborted the pregnancy. Its something I could never do now, in my 26 year old mind its not an option any longer. But my 19yr old mind, in college, on a full ride basketball scholarship, it would have been my only option. I often wonder if God had planned that out, me not finding out until it was too late for an abortion. I remember holding Gabbi for the first time. (which was a few days, maybe as many as 5 after she was born. ) I knew right then, she was mine. I could not give her away. I would not let her go. She was made FOR me. For the better of my life. I was terrified to call her father. What do you seriously say to someone in a situation like this? I mean really?!?! My mom finally broke down and did it for me. She was so much more calm than I could have ever been. I don't remember much about the conversation, I was honestly trying not to listen. I was perfectly content raising her on my own forever. I didn't feel the need to involve him. I didn't want to. I know now that my mom saw the big picture. Something I wasn't ready to comprehend at 19. It wasn't about ME. IIIII was perfectly fine with out him. IIIII didn't want to involve him. IIIIIII didn't want him in my life. I I I I I I !!!!!! SHE deserved a father, SHE deserved to know him. SHE deserved so much more than JUST ME!!! I get it now. I think she was around 2 when the light came on. After that first phone call, 2 years went by, not a word from him. From the age of 2-7.... (FIVE years) it was just phone calls, pictures, occasionally presents, and very VERY sporadic child support. Recently he decided it was time. I wanted so bad to say NOOOO!!! ITS TOO LATE! I did all the work for SEVEN years! You cant waltz in now and be dad now. IIIIIII gave you your chance!!! But then that light came back on, dim... but I could still see. Its not about how you feel Jen. Its not about what YOU did for the last SEVEN years. Its not about what fair for YOU. You already know the answer to that, this is not fair for you...but ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! I had no choice, I had to let it happen. SHE deserved this. SHE deserves this!!! Even if its SEVEN years late. From here... guess there is no where to go, but up. I hope he is everything she wants needs and DESERVES.... No where but up, no where but up, no where but up ........
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