I went to church today. Ive been wanting to find a church that we can call "home" and really feel comfortable in. Northern Hills I think seems to be a good fit. Gabbi still wont leave me to attend the kids worship. Maybe when she is a little older. The songs often almost bring me to tears. Its so much more than amazing what Jesus has done for us. And it really hits me when they sing about it. I hold back though. I wont show it to others. I wish I could be like the people who just let go and throw their hands in the air. No shame at all in proving their love for Jesus. I dont think its so much so that Im ashamed, but afraid. Of what?? I dont really know... Well thats not really true either.I think I do, I just am unsure of how to put it in words. I think I would lose it if I did, break out into tears. His love is overpowering there, in those songs. It pours out and overwhelms me. I do my best to hold it in. One day Im sure Ill let go, let my guard down, and just BE!!!
Ive been praying a long time about one of my friends. I think, that I am actually thinking about it more than praying about it. I know God hears my thoughts too. She does not believe. I love her a lot. She is one of my best friends. I worry for her. She grew up in a church, but it was not a choice of hers. She hated it. I can remember as kids her dreading going. I think now that she is older Church God and Jesus are just not important to her. Well not even that. That is putting it nicely. They are non existent to her. I often feel like God wants to use me in her life, as a way back to him. We've had some talks about Religion. Ive invited her to church a few times. Her response is usually something along the lines of "church isnt for me, you know I dont believe in all that." Ive heard her say that she believes in a higher power, but she isnt exactly sure what that might be. I want so bad just to be like YOUR WRONG HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE!?! Ive kind of felt like I needed to be the one to bring her back. It was soley MY responsibilty to bring her back... and I had NO IDEA how I was to go about that. Ive prayed, asking God to please tell me what to say, show me how to bring her back to Him. I have no idea where to start, if I ask her to church her answer is no. If I trick her into coming she'll just be upset and not get what I want her to get out of it. That would just push her further from Him. She gets so defensive, puts up a wall, closes it out. Im lost. I really feel like He wants me to be that link for her. But I could honestly see no way, it just doesnt seem possible. I even pray for something drastic to happen, maybe even to me, so she would HAVE to see that he is real and awesome, never ending, all loving, AMAZING!!! If that means I am on the brink of death I am willing to do that for her to see!!!!!!!!! This is just how much this friend means to me. Today in church the message spoke to me. Funny how God always does that. I was sitting there as it started and it seemed like the msg wouldn't speak directly to me today, as it sometimes goes. I thought others may need to hear something more than I did, and todays msg was really speaking to someone that needed it. As it went on... it started talking about being the link for someone to come back to Jesus. I got what I have been asking for, what I had been searching praying and needing to hear. SHOW THEM! You cant make the choice for them, you cant bring them back, you cant MAKE THEM accept Him, you cant make them come to church... etc etc.... But you can talk about how He has moved in your life, you can lead by example, you can be intentional in your words and actions, you can bring Him into conversation when it opens up (and it will), you can love her, you can be that SMALL link in the LONG chain back to Jesus Christ! And He will take her back, with open arms. I cant wait to witness that miracle. It is not soley my responsibility to bring her back to Him. (There is my control issue seeping out.) So Ill do my best to be that small link in her long chain back to Him. And pray that He shows me the way, even if its in the small things.
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